The Raptoran Holiday Special
(the following is a transcription of a thread that actually ran in the game. Iltinger's player's responses are in italics)
And Ilt heads to the heart of his raptoran nation
In time for a grand seasonal celebration
The birdfolk were setting out fine foods and beer
For this was the raptoran's best time of year
All were excited this spring holiday
And the village was festive, excited and gay
(In the sense it was happy, not that boys all like boys)
And the children were eager to open their toys
"I hope that I get a new bike or a doll,"
Said Jenlisa, who was only forty-five inches tall
"I want a set to make alchemical potions,"
said Chanil who liked magical oils and lotions.
"I want a flabzooble, or a cladstrapper smite,"
said Bob, who made up words (he wasn't too bright).
And all the other children, who weren't Iltinger's siblings
Wrote down all their wishes in raptoran scribblings
Friends were invited, from neighboring towns
Gnomes and goliaths and fast-food mogul clowns
The flock here was loved by some folk, it ain't braggin'
They even invited that whale who's half-dragon.
And the party was special, and all felt the wonder
Until they felt rain, and heard a harsh thunder
They ran and they screamed, and they threw up a tent
Hoping that all of their joy wasn't spent.
"It's that wizard," said Jantril,
"the next mountain over.
"The one who hates holidays, the one who's named Dover.
We should go, you and I, Ilt, and our young sister Kaas,
To that mountain there yonder, to kick Dover's Ass."
"Agreed, sister, the wizard must pay.
But first, a chance to put on all my gear,
If I may."
And off like a flash
He put on his gear
Making sure he's prepared to bring back
The holiday cheer.
And off they went,
With a loud cheer from the crowd
To beat Dover's ass
And do away with the storm clouds.
"What is this wizard
The being known as Dover
Is he raptoran or something other?
"Thank you for reminding me of Dover
and his pseudo disaster."
Shortly thereafter
They arrived at his cliff
"We seem to be here, so take your pick
Will you take Dover
Or perhaps Otis?"
Up above, on the cliff, Dover looked at the three
Thinking vilely, "those fools think they're smarter
than me?"
And he calls to Otis, his goliath serf
And says, "Otis, remove those fool birds from my
turf."
Down below, Ilt and his sister the Druid
And his sister the ranger (so the rhyme scheme is fluid)
Look above and see Dover and his goliath flunky
Making schemes, this raptoran and goliath skill monkey
"I might mention Otis, the goliath's, a rogue
At a time when such offbeat class/race combos were vogue
It is best that our ranger keeps that one in sight
For sneak attacks aren't the best pasttime tonight.
"And we'll confront Dover, my brother and I
While Kaas deals with his oversized spy
He's stronger than we, underestimate him never
For though he's eccentric, he's really quite clever."
And so they ascend, as their enemy watches
Hoping they don't end up raptoran blotches.
And Dover ascends to rake them over the coals
(Iltinger please make an initiative roll).
Flying
to meet
This terrible foe
Ilt hopes to the gods
He isn't too slow.
(He is.)
"Eccentric I know
For I see it every day.
Remind me to tell you the story
of the Muffin Man one day."
(Iniative listed, in verse, 'cause it's keen
Both Otis and Dover go in 17
Then Jandril in 7, and Iltinger in 6
Then Kaas goes in 3, poor gal rolled the Styx)
Dover flies overhead, and he laughs, and he gloats
"You fool birds," then he fires a big lightning bolt
The electricity bursts through the skies like a wave
Doing 20 to Iltinger (or half if he saves)
(That's DC 17), and as for the minion
(Although he's a sidekick in his own opinion)
Otis is not anywhere Ilt can see
So the results of his actions are known only to me.
Jandril pulls a longbow she had slung on her back
And fires off arrows to return the attack
One misses entirely, one strikes in his arm
(And now it's Iltinger's time to do harm)
Scorched by lightning yet again
Ilt charges the bird man
Acid sizzling
And
slices at the fowl soul once
For revenge.
(Two essentia in the claws,
Burning with approaching pain
One in the shirt,
Gleaming again.)
Here's hoping he's
Showing how badly he's hurting.
"Aaargh," the mage shouts, then shouts, "Aargh" again
As the acidic claw attack causes him pain.
And Kaas, just like Otis, can't be seen right this second
So we won't know what happens with them, I reckon
So we come back to Dover, who shakes his pain with a gasp
And reaches for Iltinger with a shocking grasp
The energy sparkles, and makes snaps, pops, and cracks
But the mage is too lame to make a touch attack
And as his spell fizzles (and Otis, off-screen
Does something no doubt evil and mean)
Jandril flies up, and as the rain still is pouring
She casts a call lightning, 'cause arrows are boring.
Lightning bursts forth, letting the druid girl use it
To do damage to the mage who so often abused it
He sizzles and screams, and his feathers all smoke
But he's still alive (Iltinger's turn, don't choke)
Grinning like one of the beasts
He channels on a daily basis
He
swings with
both
claws
And hopes to take down this wizard irate.
Scoring a
blow,
Possibly greater than it seems,
He hopes to
take down
This wizard obscene.
Iltinger strikes a blow that's most telling
The acid is burning, the clawmarks are swelling
Dover looks like he's been through all Nine Hells
(But this being Eberron, it's not likely. Oh well).
But still he is standing (well, flying, whatever)
And he realizes here, that it's all now or never
He raises his hands; he seems out of sorts
And with another foul spell, the mage teleports!
He is gone, and Jandril, calling lightning once more
sends the bolt firing down where the mage was before
It strikes 'gainst the cliff face, with no target to burn
But we're not out of rounds yet, so it's Iltinger's turn
Realizing his sister
And Otis were still fighting
Ilt looks around in an effort to find them.
So frantically he searches, he breaks the rhyming.
"Jantril, you work on finding Dover! I'll help Kaas!"
Off flies our hero, to where is uncertain
But what happens next, let's hope isn't 'curtains'
As Iltinger flies off, hoping Kaas isn't dead
He takes a huge lightning bolt to the head
(25 damage, DC 17, don't blow it)
Dover was just overhead, wouldn't you know it?
Jantril screams at the bastard, hoping Ilt's life isn't over
Calls one more bolt of lightning on Dover
Dover sizzles, Dover smoulders, Dover chars Cajun-style
Then Dover plummets a solid half-mile
But Jantril doesn't wait, she flies to dear bro.
"Are you okay, Ilt? Tell me now, I must know?"
Having avoided the brunt of the first and
been
able to move away from the second,
Ilt manages to say
"I'm alright, Jantril.
Now we must find
Our missing sister."
(Even though it doesn't rhyme,
It had to be said,
So she wouldn't believe him
To be almost dead.)
His hitpoints are strong,
Not even below half,
After all, he still has a resounding 39 left.
Ilt looks around, and Jantril looks around, too
Frantic to find their sister, and they do
After some minutes, they locate their young sis
Who has subdued the goliath, this ranger-classed Miss.
She's been through a struggle, she's suffered some scrapes
But she's beaten her foe, and from defeat she's escaped
She looks up at her siblings, a raptoran grin
"I've convinced our dear Otis to repent his sins.
"He's agreed he was wrong, and Dover was at fault
And he's sorry for his part in our holiday assault
So I've invited him back to our raptoran nation
To partake in our undefined holiday celebration."
"Welcome, Otis, you are a good friend to have!"
"So everything turned out well in the end
And Dover has unfortunately been slain
Time to do what adventurers do best
And loot what there is to gain!"
And so he did, with hopeful zeal
For this should be a gift for the trio since their wounds need to heal.
Dover's lair on the top of the mountain is filled
With the loot of the past celebrations he's killed
There is gold, absolutely, and quite a large bit
But the gold is just part of his treasure-hoard shit
Inside the walls, his cabin conceals
Serving utensils for holiday meals
Made of metals most precious, and that isn't all
But dollies and horses, and big rubber balls
Bags of magnetic numbers and letters
Underwear, socks, and warm winter sweaters
Gifts still in packages, gifts in gift bags
Gifts quite romantic, and gifts that are gags
Model lightning rails sets that go round and round
Musical instruments that make pleasant sounds
Some of them cheap, some things most vaunted
There's even that Fabzooble that Bob said he wanted.
And now all the presents from holidays past
Can be returned to their intendeds at last
(And lest Iltinger be filled up with sorrow
I'll list the real treasure by PM tomorrow)
Looking at it all with a look akin to wonder
Ilt takes out his hat, and makes himself
Look merrier
With red and white feathers
All aglow,
His hat turning into something more cheery,
And opens his bag of holding up
Before stating
"Shall we distribute these
Gifts to the many?
If so, I have just the trick
To make the holidays bright,
And to make this night just feel right."
And so they returned, with presents and toys
And all the raptoran kids screamed out in joy
And with reverence everyone sat down to eat
And Otis, the goliath, carved up the meat.
And so it continued
Throughout the night,
While all the people in Sargidram were fighting
Ilt was helping with refracting some lights.
While watching others dance
From dusk to dawn
He looked at the sky
and said
"Happy holidays to all!"
(Except Dover. Lousy lightning throwing prick...)
And good night to Ilt, and to hurry up, let's
End up this thread with one last rhyming couplet.