Residential Campus South
"Hello, I am Professor Morthos, I have been asked to lead you on this... tour, of the South Residential Campus, because all of the interesting graduate students led tours in the academic areas. I have no time to repeat myself, or to answer your unnecessary questions, so don't... bother... asking.
"This abysmal eyesore is the Titans Tower. After the Grand Library, it is the tallest building at Sigil Prep, a home for graduate students who choose to live on campus, and for several faculty members whose residences are sufficiently far away to make commuting... impractical. I do not live there, so please don't... ask... it.
"There are two other dormitories in this area, both for seniors and some graduate... 'spillover' for lack of a less crude term. The first of these is Balor Dorm, the second is Solar Dorm. I did not name these buildings, nor do I approve of the less than clever naming conventions. However, I am compelled to point out that the two buildings are built from the same blueprints, one by a celestial planning crew, and one by a fiendish. Eerily similar, yet obviously distinct, I'll leave any further observations up to you. After all, only about ten of you will actually make it to your senior year for it to matter.
"This... painfully tacky tower is the Athletics Monument. I have no idea whey it was built to be so phallic, but it's simply a twenty-foot spire of marble, with the names of all of our 'MVP' athletes etched into it. If you are an athlete, your brutish skills are rewarded by this school, while your peers who work hard and earn their grades barely get recognition. I, however, am not impressed by your ability to... score on the 'gridiron'.
"Another waste of campus funds is the Great Druid Oailian Dedicated Wildlife Preserve, Nature Park, and Jogging Trail. As if there weren't enough frivolity on campus already, this preserve was set up, not as a residence for... Primal... students, like the Arbor Grove, but as a facility for... preserving... nature. I do not understand why an academic institution needs such a thing, especially one in the middle of a large city, but... a giant tree paid to have it put in. So, yes, the school admires athletics and money.
"Meanwhile, I am not impressed by either of those things. In my class, you do your work, you listen to my lectures, you ask questions only as needed, and only after you have made an attempt to find the solution yourself. I do not care about your parentage, your celebrity, or your popularity with the other faculty, do I make myself clear... Mister... Potter...
"My apologies. I mistook you for someone else. Lastly, the one shining light on this otherwise dismal tour. The Hall of Boccob, a satellite of the Grand Library. They have copies of all your textbooks here, if you are careless or irresponsible and chose to lose or not purchase one. They will also send an errand boy to the larger library to get books, if you find yourself too lazy or feeble to walk half a mile. And you call yourselves adventurers.
"That will be all. If you are accepted at this university, I may see you at another date. Otherwise, farewell."
(Props to Solo at the Giant in the Playground boards for the Great Druid Oailian Wildlife Preserve)