Disney is so going to kick my ass

(Xizlqk and Vander arrive in a small town with a muffin-based economy, to rescue their kidnaped princess. Oddly, the town seems more obsessed with one particular strange girl. Xizlqk and Vander's replies are included for continuity)

The sun is rising over the hills in the distance, music swells. A sweet, typical pastoral girl wanders by:

Girl:
Little town
Where we just make muffins
Every day
Like the one before
Don't make cakes
Or even turkey stuffin'
Every one just says

Townsfolk:
Bonjour!
Bonjour!
Bonjour! Bonjour! Bonjour!

Girl:
There goes a baker, and there goes another
Nobody has a different job
Ev'ry morning just the same, this whole stupid town is lame
This absurd, specific town
(to passerby) Good-morning Bob.

Bob: Good morning, Nell. Where are you off to?
Belle: A bakery. There's nowhere else to go.
Bob: That's nice. Enjoy a muffin. (she rolls her eyes)

Townsfolk:
Look ther she goes, that girl is strange, no question
Doesn't like muffins, can't you tell?
Passes all the muffin stands
And she never eats her bran
No denying she's a muffin snob that Nell

Man: Bonjour
Woman: Good-bye
Man: Here have a muffin

Woman II: Bonjour
Man II: Good-day
Woman II: I've muffins, too.

Woman III: Ate three today
Man III: And I ate seven

Nell:
There must be more than this muffin eating life...

There's a break in the music, for her to speak to Xizlqk and Vander, though it will surely reprise within a brief period.

"Hello... I'm sure I've never seen either of you before."

Well, we've never been here before, so that makes sense. I'm Xizlqk, and this is Vander. We're planar explorers. I'd ask your name, but we already got it from the musical number. So, you have an entire society based on muffins?

Vander manages, somehow, to resist the urge to dance. Or sing. Or eat a muffin. Instead, he just waves and smiles, pointy toothed.

"Hello. I'm Vander, this is Xizqlq. You're anti-muffin, hmm? I knew a guy you'd get along with."

"It's just... you have to go a whole village over to get a pie. And... all they have is pie! Gods help you if you want a steak."

The townsfolk start singing again. "Just a minute."

Townsfolk:
Look there she goes, and now she's with a monster
And a blonde guy with little horns
She's a weird amnesiac

Guy:
But she's decent in the sack

Townsfolk:
What a puzzle to the rest of us is Nell.

Nell:
Oh, isn't this amazing!
There's some people here who aren't obsessed
With all those stupid muffins
But they'll probably sneak out during 'Be Our Guest'

Woman:
Well it's no wonder that she talks to monsters
She just appeared her years ago

Shopkeeper:
That young girl is off her nut
She's a muffin-hating slut
Very different from the rest of us

Townsfolk:
She's nothing like the rest of us
Yes, diff'rent from the rest of us is Nell...

There's another break, and she turns back to Xiz and Vander. "Sorry. We do this every morning. One more big segment, and we should be done."

Doesn't bother me- I'll break out into song too when the time comes.

Oh, didn't I tell you, Vander? Legacy Arcana is currenly being oppressed under the metaphorical heel of Mammon. Akbar is probably done for.

"It's not very polite to call someone a slut, or openly discuss their supposed sexual habits!"

And Vander shakes his fist at the crowd.

"Akbar's dead? Uh.. that's bad. I think. He was kind of... not a great friend of mine, but it's still sad."

A big beefy guy who reminds one somewhat of Regdar, if Regdar carried a big basket of muffins around, comes up. "Are these guys bothering you, Nell?"

"No, Stone, they aren't."

"Good, because I'd hate to have to waste time clobbering them before I go rescue Princess Helene."

"You keep saying that. You've been rescuing her for eighteen months." The music picks up, and she groans, burying her head on Vander's shoulder.

Stone:
Right from the moment she was kidnapped, I knew
I'd rescue her, it would be swell
Here in town there's just Helene
Who is sweet, cute, and serene
Not a quickie before noon like you are, Nell.

Some girls:
Look there he goes
Isn't he stupid?
Dumb as a rock
And half as cute
He brags a lot
Too bad he's breathing
He's such a lying, half-assed moron brute...

Man: Bonjour
Stone: Pardon
Man II: good Day
Man III: Mai oui!
Matron: You call these muffins?
Woman I: Oh! Chocolate chips!
Man IV: Cheese muffins!
Woman II: half dozen
Stone: 'Scuse me
Muffin merchant: I'll count them out
Stone: Please look at me.
Woman I: This bran
Man V: Those nuts
Woman: it's stale!
Man VI: They suck!
Baker: Madame's mistaken

Nell: There must be more these ensemble songs!
Stone: I'll rescue Princess Helene before long!

Townsfolk:
Look there she goes, a girl who's strange and oddball
A most peculiar mad'moiselle
It's a pity such a tramp
Isn't in the muffin camp
'Cause she really is weird ass girl
Can't remember how she got here girl
She really is a weird ass girl
That Nell.....

Music swells and fades.

"They don't... like me much."

Back to Songbook